#'oh ive developed this attraction and heres a detailed description of how you can gaslight yourself into believing you feel it too

[maxxhasfeelingsapparently]

I had a heavy realization the other day about what love is to me. There are the typical kinda of love for family, friends, and basic humanity right, and then there's "romantic" (this is in quotation marks because I'd genuinely only thought I felt this before a few days ago when I really, genuinely felt it.) Oof this is gonna be long.

I'm going to do my best to make this not about her, but an assessment of my feelings. I have generalized anxiety, so it can be hard to tell where the nervous feeling in my stomach is coming from, but it was notably different this time. It wasn't so unpleasant as the usual churning and flipping of my stomach. Rather than an internal storm, the butterflies in my stomach gave the sensation of gentle fingers running over the surface of my skin and the goosebumps that come along with those.

I've known that people who are in love or going that direction seem obsessed/like their person is the only thing on their mind, and now I've finally understood why.

When I look at her, interact with her, hear her, my mind lights up. It's like all the lights in the house turn on and right now it feels novel because it's new but that sensation of my brain just going "!!!!" in regards to her is intoxicating. At this point it feels absurd that I would dream of not chasing that feeling when it is so readily available.

With that sensation in mind, it feels like it amplifies my focus, though not in any ways that are helpful in the day to day. (I still sadly cannot remember to wash my laundry until I've burned through every clean article of clothing 😅) My focus feels amplified on the things she likes, the songs she sings, the foods she leaves on her plate, whether she has things that make her life easier (think meds, water, food, work/school supplies), and so many more things. Maybe I'm focused on those things because my love language is gift giving, as I've learned with friends, but it feels more... "!!!!!"

I don't know I just feel... activated? In regards to her specifically. I feel more protective, attentive, careful, and peaceful. Usually my anxiety makes me so scared to interact with even my friends but with her, my amplified focus gives me the confidence to be able to relax and be myself and enjoy that she is being herself with me.

This has been my absolute best attempt to convey what romantic attraction feels like to me, which is so wild because I was beginning to wonder if I was aromantic? I'll be a bit sad that I've let that part of me go, as the aromatic community has been nothing but good to me and so, so supportive, but I think I'm also okay with this new reality that faces me. It seems fun too.